Dysfunction Junction
A critique of consumer culture...
YOU ARE LACKING! Be Bigger, Be Stronger, Be More Powerful! Just $19.95!
You need better! Throw that old stuff away and get NEW! You deserve the latest and greatest! And it helps the economy!
Be Proud! Be a CONSUMER! You can do it, rise to it. We have payment plans to make it nice 'n' easy! Your purchase may even be eligible for a GOVERNMENT TAX BREAK!
Some people bought some houses, hot tubs, cars, and such they couldn't pay for. The economy is now swirling in the crapper, so here's some money - go shopping, go buy stuff! Throw stuff away too - garbage haulers need jobs too!
Be a MAN. Not a queer vegan. Be Strong, now you can eat our processed "steak" and ensure that your masculinity remains intact while reducing your calorie intake. Save the calories for your loud and obnoxious automobile that you need to be a true man.
There's nothing you can do, you might as well just buy this product and be happy!
New technologies are allowing you to be "green" and get your daily dose of testosterone, all-in-one shot!
Always remember to do your duty to idolize celebrities with money and fancy cars and houses and boob jobs. Make sure to get on the Internet and make them the top image searches - make their faces your computer's desktop background!
Search the web! Try to dig up that grainy pirate video of Saddam Hussein being hanged, as this is the land where the death penalty finds support miles wide but only an inch deep. Then go off to do some more celebrity stalking, pirate some music, check the football scores, and read up on what the IRS will do if you don't pay your taxes, maybe fit a game of RuneScape in there while you're at it.
Nicole Richie's 4-day jail sentence is BREAKING NEWS. Gives you something to yell at the TV/computer about, because you would have been put in jail for a month for the same offense!
We're Addicted to Starbucks. Addicted to Cigarettes. Addicted to Fast Food. Addicted to Mobile Phones. Addicted to Facebook. Addicted to Cars. Addicted to Television (4 hours per person per day!). Addicted to Air Conditioning. And we outlaw a plant.
Say No to Pot. Say YES to JESSE McCARTNEY ADDICTION!
Be sure to remain completely oblivious to where the electricity you use comes from. Just plug in the TV or cell phone and stay hypnotized...
Industrial Society works on a massive scale...
...but Technology will solve Technology's problems! The Free Market™ is at your side*!
*Offer Limited to one per person between the hours of 1:00 AM and 4:00 AM on Monday January 13 2009. Offer subject to credit approval.
Cannot be combined with any other offers. Limit 100,000 total offers - subject to first-come-first-serve basis. Purchase of product of
equal or greater value necessary for offer. Offerees must attend a presentation by Acme Timeshares, Inc. prior to receiving discount.
We must generate MORE power from coal! If we don't build more power plants NOW, the lights will go out, the economy will crash,
and millions of Americans will be out of a job!
Brought to you by ABEC - A citizen's coalition supported by dozens of mining companies and electric utilities.
Why should we do ANYTHING about global warming, with China polluting and all?
We need more renewable energy! Wind and Solar all the way! Nuclear Power! Energy-making [sic] incinerators for our trash instead of landfills! Just not in my backyard.... And DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO LIVE!
Lose Weight! Get Healthy Get in Shape! You get our Weight Loss Guide DVD and one-week supply of Weight Loss Patches for Only $29.95! Drop mad lbs in just days and get as skinny as the woman on this this advertisement, quantization banding and spots included!
No money down! Don't pay till next year! Come on, you NEED this product! You life will be lacking without it! Credit Whack? (drivin' around in a used subcompact?) - go to Rent-2-Own for you leather couches and HDTVs! No credit checks, just pay three times as much in weekly payments to coincide with your pay check!
And always remember to take sides! Be extreme. Pigeonhole everyone else into categories and make fun of them to make yourself feel better!
CREATED/WRITTEN: 2011-06-20 00:00